Star Trek Recap — March 2022

Why does Zombie Trek even exist?

The Star Trek Discovery finale was last night. It was boring and self-indulgent and plagiaristic and Burnham is a terrible captain. The big internet buzz is that Stacey Abrams was the president of Earth because the producers have no idea they’re making Star Trek and not Family Guy. I will say, having one show runner for an entire season sure does help, doesn’t it?

Star Trek Picard episode 3 was last night, too. I haven’t written anything about season 2 of Picard yet so let’s go over some things:

• Everyone is trying desperately to sweep the whole “he’s a robot now” thing under the rug. Can’t blame them. Chabon should be blackballed for that nonsense.
• They consolidated the cast to just Rios, Jurati, and Seven. Rafi and Elnor are also there sometimes but I can’t figure out why.
• Patrick Stewart looks like he’s dying every scene. It’s embarrassing for everyone.
• Jon DeLancie and Whoopi were great even if the story is dumb as heck.
• If we get one more “evil Earth” storyline I’m going to riot and throw stuff really hard against the wall. “But it’s not the mirror universe!!!” they gloat, idiotically. Which reminds me: everyone who supports these shows is an idiot and is being blatantly used by CBS.
• Hey, Star Trek Online ships!!!! That’s great!!! But they picked some of the really ugly ones, so that sucks.
• They should kill off Picard for good and make the show about Rios and Seven and also kill off Rafi and Elnor and never mention the Android planet ever again and honestly just don’t even have Season 1 available anymore, we can all just pretend it doesn’t exist and everyone will be happy.
• I liked episode 3 better when it was that Star Trek Voyager episode with Sarah Silverman and the homeless guy called a cop a Cardassian. That was fun.
• Did every crew member of every ship travel to the alternate history or just our heroes? Because that seems like a cool concept, a few thousand people wandering around Evil Earth…. Never mind.

As for the much-anticipated Strange New Worlds, everyone was willing to give them the benefit of the doubt with the mind-numbingly…